I keep telling myself it's no big deal. The cast. It's no big deal. She'll have it. She'll get better. She'll eventually have healthy hips and this will all be a distant memory.
Until today, the cast hasn't scared me. The anesthesia part scares me, but the cast hasn't.
I was just sitting here feeding Annabelle and I had the image of her in a cast float in through my thoughts. And I just burst into tears.
Surgery.
My baby.
She's so tiny.
Nevermind that I've seen a 500 gram baby intubated on an oscillator. I've seen a 26 week gestation baby have heart surgery. I've taken care of a small handful of babies post-heart surgery. I've cared for dozens of babies intubated. I've drawn blood from babies. I've started IVs on babies. That doesn't scare me.
This does.
This is MY BABY.
I know it's what she needs, but I'm terrified. The thought of seeing her wheeled away into the OR ... I just can't stomach it.
The positive side of this is that she truly won't remember it. She will hopefully be healed and be a fully functioning child/teen/adult. It was found early. We're not trying to go through this when she's a toddler.
How do you prepare for this?
I'm praying for God's peace. I need that more than anything right now. We have the best Doctor in the city taking care of our daughter. For that I'm sooo grateful.
I'm still scared.
Ashley, I know what you are going through and I know your fear and pain. My son has endured 13 surgeries, many of them life-saving and my daughter has had 1 major and 1 minor surgery. It is heartbreaking to think about your baby in the OR. I have learned to not think about what will happen in there but instead think about how much better it will be after it is done. I will tell you that it is not easy at all and your stomach will be in knots the whole time she is in there. But once it is over you can move on and face the challenge of life with the cast. I know me saying this will not help you at all but she really is young enough that she won't remember. My son had the majority of his surgeries before age 2. The ones that he does remember are the ones that have happened in the last 2 years (he's almost 6). When I tell him we have to go to the doctor he always asks if he has to go to sleep and it breaks my heart. Surgery is never easy. Some might try to tell you that it's no big deal but no matter what kind of surgery it is it will never be easy. You will have to put your baby girl in someone else's hands and trust that she'll be safe. (Which she will be!!) I believe it is one of the hardest things a mother has to do. I will say a prayer for your strength and courage to face this. You can do this!!!
ReplyDeletep.s. You may want to ask if you can go with her into the OR and hold her while they put her under. We have been able to go with our son and our daughter for all of their surgeries except the first 5 when our son was in the NICU. Although, I have always sent my husband in because I never wanted a visual image of the OR in my head while he was in there.